Posted October 17, 2013 at 08:35 am
When I Marty F'n Day's eyes light up when he took that first bite of food from this hole-in-the-wall Chinese place we found in San Francisco Chinatown, I knew that he suffered a long existance of never tasting authentic Chinese cuisine. He said it was the best Chinese food he had ever tasted. I postulate that it's the ONLY Chinese food he's ever tasted. What many of my non-Asian friends consider to be Chinese food is a pale shadow of the real thing. Indeed, for the longest time Audrey thought she hated Chinese food because what she had been exposed to all her life wasn't even close to the real thing.
This phenomenon of people being subjected to cuisine that masks itself as Chinese food is perfectly embodied in Patrice Wilson's latest... um... song I guess, "Chinese Food."
Now before we get into this mess, I sincerely hope that Alison Gold makes a mint off of this terrible thing. She didn't write it. She didn't produce it. She didn't direct this... music video. So I don't think she be blamed for the awful. That blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Patrice Wilson, the... writer, I guess, of such things as Rebecca Black's "Friday."
Back to this... thing.
Whether he meant to or not, Patrice Wilson has created a weird sort of social commentary on the poor state of what I'll be calling Faux Chinese food from now on. Some like to call it "Americanized" Chinese, but that implies that Americans don't like authentic ethnic cuisine and I think that's bullshit. I'm American. I love authentic cuisine. Everything about this is wrong. The video starts off in a Mongolian style kitchen. There are Geisha dancing somewhere in there. Panda Express is dropped as a Chinese food place. The lyrics are essentially a list of every Faux Chinese dish you'd find at your local maul (this is how I spell mall. Don't judge me) food court. It's clear that Wilson has no idea what he's talking about.
Here's another tell tale sign that there be no Chinese food here. There are hardly any Asians in the restaurant. Here's a quick test to tell if a restaurant is serving ethnic realness. This works for any ethnic cuisine whether it be Asian, Latin, Mediterranean. If the majority, I'd say seventy to ninety percent, of the customers are from the culture of the food, chances are you're gonna be eating the real thing. If it's more fifty fifty, you're gonna be eating some weird Faux version of that cuisine.
"Chinese Food" is a weird sort of celebration of everything that is unauthentic. There's no Chinese food. There's a weird pedo panda. Alison is probably too young to be clubbing. What the fuck are Geisha doing there. Fortune cookies aren't Chinese, although even some Chinese people I know don't even know that so you get a pass on that one. It's a big fucking mess are tied up in a viral package.
So if you find yourself ordering the shit listed in the song or eating things that look like what you see in the music video, perhaps take a moment to reflect about your choices. I think you deserve better. Although, truth be told, sometimes even I crave the horribleness of Pando Express.
This phenomenon of people being subjected to cuisine that masks itself as Chinese food is perfectly embodied in Patrice Wilson's latest... um... song I guess, "Chinese Food."
Now before we get into this mess, I sincerely hope that Alison Gold makes a mint off of this terrible thing. She didn't write it. She didn't produce it. She didn't direct this... music video. So I don't think she be blamed for the awful. That blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Patrice Wilson, the... writer, I guess, of such things as Rebecca Black's "Friday."
Back to this... thing.
Whether he meant to or not, Patrice Wilson has created a weird sort of social commentary on the poor state of what I'll be calling Faux Chinese food from now on. Some like to call it "Americanized" Chinese, but that implies that Americans don't like authentic ethnic cuisine and I think that's bullshit. I'm American. I love authentic cuisine. Everything about this is wrong. The video starts off in a Mongolian style kitchen. There are Geisha dancing somewhere in there. Panda Express is dropped as a Chinese food place. The lyrics are essentially a list of every Faux Chinese dish you'd find at your local maul (this is how I spell mall. Don't judge me) food court. It's clear that Wilson has no idea what he's talking about.
Here's another tell tale sign that there be no Chinese food here. There are hardly any Asians in the restaurant. Here's a quick test to tell if a restaurant is serving ethnic realness. This works for any ethnic cuisine whether it be Asian, Latin, Mediterranean. If the majority, I'd say seventy to ninety percent, of the customers are from the culture of the food, chances are you're gonna be eating the real thing. If it's more fifty fifty, you're gonna be eating some weird Faux version of that cuisine.
"Chinese Food" is a weird sort of celebration of everything that is unauthentic. There's no Chinese food. There's a weird pedo panda. Alison is probably too young to be clubbing. What the fuck are Geisha doing there. Fortune cookies aren't Chinese, although even some Chinese people I know don't even know that so you get a pass on that one. It's a big fucking mess are tied up in a viral package.
So if you find yourself ordering the shit listed in the song or eating things that look like what you see in the music video, perhaps take a moment to reflect about your choices. I think you deserve better. Although, truth be told, sometimes even I crave the horribleness of Pando Express.
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