If you find yourself flying in the United States this holiday season, you will inevitably encounter the new security policies instituted by the TSA. They will give you a choice: the backscatter, a device that will attack your body with radiation thus upping your chances of gaining enhanced spider or hulk powers by 75%; or the enhanced pat down in which a TSA agent will attack your body with his or her hands thus upping your chances of getting groped by a total stranger who doesn't have the courtesy of buying you a drink first by 100%.

Should you opt for the enhanced pat down, before they strap on the gloves, pull out your iPod and blast this song by Davice Choi (which you can download here) as loudly as you possibly can.